How to Handle Difficult Comments (and People)
Last Saturday, my partner and I attended the Stand Up to Racism event in Glasgow – this was a counter protest that was organised in response to a “Pro-UK Rally” called by far-right extremist Tommy Robinson and his local sidekick The Glasgow Cabbie.
The counter-protest was called out of solidarity, and a reasonable concern that the Pro-UK Rally might be well attended, and could turn violently racist, as we saw during the anti-immigrant riots in England last month.
We needn’t have worried: just a few dozen people answered Tommy Robinson’s call, and the Glasgow Cabbie himself was a no-show.
The rest of the George Square was a noisy, jubliant and vibrant affair, with thousands of people relaxing in the sun ☀️chatting and mingling, and enjoying upbeat speeches from activists, trade unionists and politicians, as well as top-tapping, shoulder-shimmying drumming from all-female ensemble SheBoom.
Here’s one of my favourite signs 🦇
It was – as we say in Scotland – a braw day out!
Those people who have to have the last word
On the train home, my partner pointed out that Scottish author, Sara Sheridan, had put a photo of us on Twitter/X. I am no longer on Twitter/X, but Sara has a lot of followers, so there were a lot of comments on this photo.
Here’s one of the more printable examples:
A brief summary of the remaining comments goes like this:
- we are paid protestors and not the smartest
- we would not welcome a refugee into our home 😂
- we are in favour of cutting the winter fuel payment (see above)
- we are actual fascists who are suppressing and intimidating local communities in Britain
- we are enemies of the people
- we are soap dodging, Communist scum
- my partner has gallons of blood on his hands
- my partner is a traitor to his race and his country
All of these things are, I think, patently untrue aside from the “scum” part, which is a matter of opinion, and not fact. 😂
How to handle difficult comments (and questions)
We all find at some point in our lives – no matter who we are, and what we do – that we have to handle untrue or unfair allegations about our behaviour or our motivations.
Sometimes those allegations are also posed in the form of a question that contains an untrue premise (like in the tweet above), which makes it extra tricky to work out how to respond. This is an old lawyer’s trick, but you also see this used by politicians, the press and professional interrogators.
That’s why I have some good tips for you, in life, and if you ever have to defend yourself under pressure. I spent many years preparing clients for what are essentially interrogations: substantive asylum interviews by the Home Office and police interviews of vulnerable victims and witnesses. In those circumstances, lawyers are prohibited from answering for their clients, but what we can do is give them some top notch advice ahead of the interview:
⭐ Always tell the truth. A truth is easier to remember than a lie. It is nearly impossible to be consistent about a lie, even a mistaken or well-intentioned one.
⭐ Don’t accept other people’s reality. If the question doesn’t make sense to you, don’t say yes or no. Let it lie, and use your own words to express fact and feeling that you know to be true to you.
⭐Just because someone asked you a question, doesn’t mean there’s an answer. Most people under pressure try to answer any question they are asked; I think psychologists could tell you why, but it’s something instinctive for most people, and it can get you in a lot trouble. Not answering will usually be seen as uncooperative, but you can (a) explain why you can’t answer or (b) explain that you can give an answer to a different (rephrased) question.
⭐ Just because there’s an answer, doesn’t mean you have to give it. Most of the time. But especially on social media, in politics and the press, and socially. (The exception is when your lawyer tells you that you do have to answer – but please, everyone, just get a good lawyer if you need one and take their advice.)
⭐ Keep your cool. Getting upset will interfere with your composure, your reasoning, and crucially – your memory. Most people find it frightening to be asked difficult questions and upsetting to be accused of things they do not agree that they did or intended to do. But losing your cool is usually associated with lying, or guilt. So do your meditation, bring your fidget spinner, tap your foot or whatever – but stay cool, calm and collected, and you’ll be happy afterwards that you showed up to a tough situation as your best self.
💡Bonus tip
I hope that helps someone out there – and I have one more, this is like advanced level Zen master stuff. Recently, I was speaking to a very wise friend, and I asked what tough but important lessons they had learned in their lifetime. Here’s the ultimate mic drop:
⭐ If someone else needs to have the last word, let them have it. 🎤
First published on LinkedIn on 13 September 2024:
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-handle-difficult-comments-people-jen-ang-kfxze/
